I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize