She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Randomize
