wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
