I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
