Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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