thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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