i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
