All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize