Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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