A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
