I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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