Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
the raccoons are back...
Randomize