Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
