I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
