ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
