Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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