Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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