I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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