Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
