Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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