Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize