I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
