false alarm. still invincible.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
people are starting to question the shark bite story
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize