i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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