I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
