so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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