Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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