Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize