I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
