Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
