Just fell off a train. Bad.
too bad you live with your parents still
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize