At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
