Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
My feet surprised me
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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