how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
