I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
