so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
