I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
