K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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