Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
