people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
