If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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