He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
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