Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
