I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
