Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Quick, to the slutcave!
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
