watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
