Already got asked if we're dating
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
