I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
