new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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