She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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