Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize