im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
