The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
