That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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