Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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