i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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