I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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