Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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