guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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