this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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