I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
