thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
