I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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