just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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