im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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